it's been 189 days since i last saw you. it's been 180 days since you ended it. and it's been 83 days since we last spoke. 6 months since you ended it, and i'm still not over it. if we're being honest, i'm not sure that i'll ever be "over it".
here are some quotes i've read lately that make me think of you:
"every day that we didn't speak felt like declaring war in a battle I didn't want to fight." - sylvia plath
"everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it" - david foster wallace
"in every universe, it's you for me. even if it's not me for you" - emily henry
"a thousand moments that i had taken for granted - mostly because i assumed there would be a thousand more"
"i'm always soft for you, that's the problem. you could come knocking on my door five years from now and i would open my arms wider and say 'come here, it's been too long, it felt like home with you'" - azra t
"i am afraid i will love you forever and we will never be in the same room again" - clementine von radics
"i used to say i'd know you anywhere, but it's getting harder" - margaret atwood
"i hope you get everything you've ever wanted and i hope i never hear a thing about it"
"i knew i did from that first moment we met. it was...not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. like: oh, hello, it's you. it's going to be you" - mhairi mcfarlane
"it's strange. i felt less lonely when i didn't know you" - jean-paul sartre
"in another universe we meet later in life and love each other right"
i once wrote that i didn't regret meeting you and that i would do it all over again, even if i knew how it would end. but i don't think that's true anymore. i think that if i could go back to april of 2020, i would choose not to know you. on one hand, i look back on every moment we spent together and i don't regret it. but i regret that things ended, and that was inevitable. so, if i knew what i know now three years ago, i would choose not to know you. because that is also choosing not be hurt by you - over and over and over again. and yes, i'm aware it's my fault. you don't need to tell me that. you don't need to tell me that i repeatedly ripped open the wound, even when you told me not to. i know all of this. but the thing is, it was always going to be you for me, but it was never going to be me for you. and i do think that in another life, we are right for each other, but in this life, you will never allow us to be.
the saddest part of it all is that even as i write all of this...i am certain of only one thing. i am certain that if your name flashed across my screen now - or in six more months, or even in a year - i would answer without hesitation. i suppose that makes me a masochist, but i suppose that we all just want to be loved, in the end.
it was always going to be you, you know?
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