i had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. essentially that the reason i put you on such a pedestal compared to the other men that i have dated is because i felt like you wanted to take care of me as much as i wanted to take care of you. it was mutual. with other guys i dated, i was the one pushing them to be better & taking care of them but i wasn't getting the same energy back. i also never had to act "tough" or act like a bitch with you. i was allowed and actually encouraged to be soft & feminine. with other men that I dated, i felt like i had to put on that front to protect myself & my emotions, because i would get it thrown back in my face if i was too emotional or expected too much. but you, i was just allowed to be me.
i am a little bit scared to fall in love again, because i am terrified to let someone know me in the same way that you know me. it also makes my skin itch that you know me more intimately than anyone else in this world. i would give anything to take back everything that you know about me.
i am still so fucking angry. i am angry that i ever opened this door, and i am angry at myself for continuously re-opening the wounds. i have such a need to tie up loose ends and all it did here was burn me.
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