I don't know what response I was really expecting when I reached out to that man yesterday. Well, that's not entirely true. I know what I was hoping for, even if it was a delusional hope. I was hoping he would say that he missed me and wanted to make it work. But that's not what happened, and that's okay.
I told him that I hated the way things ended because it felt like unfinished business. I asked him to tell me why things ended - even if that was that he just wasn't interested in me, or that there was someone else, or that there was something missing. I told him that I hated him constantly saying things like “maybe we’re at different points in our lives still” because that sounds like “it isn’t working out right now, but maybe it could”. I told him that I know there is nothing more that I could have done and that I tried my best to make it work but that I'm simply looking for some sense of closure so that I can close this chapter and move on. I also told him that my intentions were not to try and force a reconnection between us, but that I just need to hear that the door is closed for good, because otherwise, I’ll continue to wonder if it isn’t.
He responded within minutes and said, "I’m sorry you had to sit and feel that so intensely. Not my intention to make you wonder. Ultimately there was something missing, and eventually I did find that with someone else. Again, I respect you and your ability to think on these things."
I debated whether or not I wanted to ask the follow up question that has been burning in my chest lately, but I did it. I asked him what it was that was missing. I also told him that I respect him more than he realizes, and that I appreciated his willingness to give me closure.
I'm still waiting for a response to that, and for the first time, I'm not certain that he'll respond. I wish that he wasn't such a kind person. It would make it easier to hate him. My chest still burns a little, but I feel like I have a sense of closure that I needed. He really is one of the best people I've met and I was lucky to have him in my life, even if just for a short time. I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and I pray that he knows that. This is the first day that I can genuinely say that I'm not mad at him, I wish him well, and I hope he truly found what he was looking for, even if that was not me. It was a blessing to have loved him and to have known him. But, now he exists in the category of people who used to have a place in my life. I also know that healing is not linear, and that it will be a while before I am truly over him. It's difficult to get over the loss of such a kind human.
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